#new town lonliness

[unravelingsofastar]

Sipping Nostalgia (9/26/24)

It’s 1:12am, and tonight is the first night that I will be able to sleep, as the last two have been spent working on a large-scale art project. As tired as I am and as little sleep as I’ve gotten, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to go to bed. 

Last night while I was working, I suddenly felt really sad. I miss home a lot. Before, I don’t feel like I heard much about how lonely college can be. Of course, I’ve made friends and in fact I was with one of them last night, but I still can’t help but feel lonely. I miss getting Braum’s with my friend and driving in her car. I miss being in my high school art room with my favorite teacher and my other friends. I miss working on mine and my friend’s Sally Face fanzine. I miss laughing with my mom. I miss my dogs. I miss my hometown, which is funny because I wanted to get out for so long.

I guess this is the blog where I will talk about memory. Something that’s been on my mind is the taste of certain drinks and how when I drink them I remember specific points in my life.

Whenever I drink Folgers coffee I think of being in 7th grade, just when I was really becoming friends with my now best friend. I wanted to be cool and drink an ‘adult drink,’ so I drank it loaded with creamer. It was really cold outside and my first class was art. My art teacher drove a bus so he was usually late to unlock the door, so we would either wait in the cold outside his room or in the middle school building.

Ultra Peachy Keen Monster Energy tastes like the summer of 2022, like listening to only Insane Clown Posse. I had a rampant caffeine addiction and I spent most of the summer at my first (and still only) boyfriend’s house. I don’t like disclosing the information that they’re the only partner I’ve had, because I am 18 and most of the people I have talked to have been in multiple relationships by now. I don’t catch feelings very easily. It’s been over a year and a half since we broke it off and since I last spoke to him. It ended off with a hug and an I love you. As hard as that relationship was, sometimes I still miss him. Last I heard they were sleeping with a guy they hated when we were together. I hope they’re okay. I hope I never see them again.

Strawberry Melon Brisk tastes like the later months of 2022, the early mornings spent in my vo tech school. As lonely as I was and as much frustrated as I was at the instructor, I still miss it sometimes.

Apple cider still tastes like December 5th, 2022. I had never really drank cider before that night. My ex and I were celebrating a year together by looking at Christmas lights, and we bought some cider to share. That night was hard for a handful of reasons. My mind was fuzzy for that entire month so I don’t remember a whole lot of it. I can’t bring myself to regret it though. Apple cider is still one of my favorite drinks.

My best friend works at Braum’s, so sometimes in the mornings she would pick me up for our vo tech class in February of this year and drive us to get cherry limeades (with extra cherry syrup) from her work. These were fun mornings. Sometimes after class and on our way back to highschool, we would get Dr. Pepper freezes too. We listened to a lot of P1Harmony, because it was her car and that’s what she was into.

The blue Gatorade Frost tastes like this last March. I was fixated on the game Sally Face and playing MarioKart esports because one of my friends asked me to. I was reading a lot of fanfiction and in a comfortable place mentally.

I miss everyone tonight.

(9/26/24)

[sec-heriablangel]

Oh dear, Here's come to new ship

"SyndromeLonliness"

I will make it. these Sorrow (My version) and (LTS) Red are both 20 years old. I actually ship them, It's a new ship!

[countdykulaa]

﹟ ⠀ ⠀ 𝟎𝟎𝟏 ⠀ . ⠀ ⠀ I LOVE YOU (ITS RUINING MY LIFE)⠀ ⠀ ﹕ ⠀ ⠀ ❪ ⠀ lonely! reader x straight! abby pt1. ⠀ ❫

‟ i could kiss a girl but i could never date one”

You're new to the campus , just transferred from your small town where nobody cared to know you. You tell yourself that this year will be different , any lonliness felt will become a rarity and not a fundamental part of your life . You stay true to your promise and managed to make a few friends in your class, smile and wave at them , staying quiet while offering anything in your possession so they know you're not too much of a burden. Days spent alone are slowly spent with the mundane routine of assignments, lectures and unsteady friendships and you tell yourself that that is enough. your self hatred is slowly covered through dry humour as you let your walls down.

One day your friend turns to you , ever the social butterfly she is and asks you if you'd consider joining debate. you didn't even know the campus offered that club , she explains how its all about who you know. you, filled with albeit too much knowledge on all things political agree. your first day is unlike anything you've ever experienced. you arrive an hour late, installing your faux locs had taken too long and by the time you'd arrived they were already in a heated debate on the death penalty. you rush out your apologies, hurrying to find a seat when you see her . It's only later when she hurriedly gives you her contact details that you figure out her name. Abby Anderson. Her dirty brown hair is down , slightly falling over her face as she passionately argues her point. If you didn't consider her lack of respect for human rights and blatant disregard on what allowing the government to dictate who lives and dies obscene you might've almost found her passion endearing.

You jump right in . Despite your usual, cowering demeanor you challenge her head-on, dismantling each point until all other voices fade away besides the two of you. You discover that while you spend each second stuttering and self-doubting , she's a natural. The session ends before a winner can be announced and the hostility that filled your body fades away . She asks you if you've eaten , you emphasize how hungry you are and she suggests getting some fries. You spend the whole time laughing and talking, funny stories and antidotes passed between the two of you like you've known each other for years. It's in this chat that you let your sexuality slip , never quite used to finally admitting out loud nor the shame that weighs down your body. She responds by sharing her own experiences with women , ending with the proclamation that she'd never deal with women ever again. Too much heartbreak with little reward. Men are what she wants and all she'll ever have. All you seem to hear is that she once fell for a woman.

The next few times you're with her is with your mutual debate friends , always a man, always someone who looks at her with eyes that you sometimes fantasize about getting from her. You shake these thoughts away , telling yourself that its nothing besides a silly crush. Besides, you'd never be able to give her anything besides the thing you despise the most … yourself.

You slowly start to get closer, days spent with her slowly start to replace the loneliness that plagues your spirit. You decidely ignore any statements on how some lesbians "secretly want to be men" , too ashamed by your own lesbianism to critique how someone interprets anyone elses. An obsessive urge to always be near her, serve her, please her starts to fester in your soul. You spend your days wondering how else you can prove your worth to her, what other mountains you can climb, hights you can reach to make her see your use. Soon enough all things that don't revolve around her or your steady grades are done away with. Any aspects of yourself that don't live to serve her are harshly ripped from yourself. Any friends steadily gained from anything besides debate are forgotten about , all promises to practice self-care deemed illogical in your head. What if Abby needed you ? It's not like you needed to spend time with anyone else anyway. Abby's friendship would make up for where you lacked . You never seem to be alone with her though , either with your friend owen or one of her other friends. you tell yourself that you don't care , any time spent with her is a blessing you never seem to deserve.

One day, as you're fooling around legs swaying aimlessly as you sit on a table in a random lecture hall, eyes glued on the woman before you as she finishes her work, she confides in you. Whispers all about her past discretions, long lost loves she tends to think about when getting to know Owen , the growing feelings she has for him and the guilt that haunts her frame with every second spent. You don't know whether it's the secrets shared between you two and the vulnerability of it all but sometimes you swear she looks at you with eyes that make you think she could love you too.

PLUTO SPEAKS: okay this was my first ever fic! feeling so vulnerable rn. probably gonna make it a three part series.

[dykeofmisfortune]

im bored so 5 edward hopper paintings and a piece of media they remind me of (i fucking LOVE edward hopper paintings pls indulge)

1. Summer Afternoon, 1947:

This reminds me of Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen. Just, the whole vibe looks lonely, quiet, and intimate, but full of potential energy all the same. 

2. High Noon, 1949:

My Own Private Idaho. Obviously. I actually think the shots of the house in the desert from the movie could be referencing this painting. I’d like to imagine that woman is Mike’s mother. god i fucking love that movie.

3. Nighthawks, 1942:

I know everyone knows this one. this one to me is Darkness on the Edge of Town by Bruce Springsteen. the whole vibe kinda reminds me of the depressing working man vibe of the album and specifically the song. i wrote an essay on this album analyzing it through a queer lens and i brought up this painting idk it just. it fits.

4. Gas, 1940

This reminds me of Bojack Horseman season 4 episode 2 “The Old Sugarman Place.” Such a great episode and if u havent seen it i totally recommend watching the series. It’s so beautiful and this road with the gas station reminds me of the road out from the house into town where things went wrong and man. it’s so heartwrenching.

5. New York Corner, 1913

Scapegoat but this reminds me so much of Catcher in the Rye. It looks like winter, and it’s in new york city. Actually a lot of edward hopper’s whole career could be catcher because it’s just all about lonliness and people. This is how i think holden caulfield sees the streets; it looks bleak and everyone is the same.

[gableforks]

In defense of Captain Kyōraku vs Coyote Starrk

I recently saw a creator say that Zaraki Kenpachi would have been a better match for Stark than Shunsui due to the parallel between Yachiru and Lillinette, which is fair but I want to throw my support behind the fight Kubo decided to give us.

My first watch through Bleach, I was underwhelmed by Stark. He didn't have Barragons hax or Ulqiorra's showing and he was the only espada besides Aaroniero who was beaten without bankai. Upon reading the manga, however, Starrk has come to be my favorite of the espada due to Kubo's great characterization.

Starrk's backstory starts in Hueco Mundo, after he split his soul in two, creating the separate characters that are Starrk and Lilynette. He did this to cure his lonliness as no other hollow could retain their reishi body in the presence of his immense power. Eventually he's approached by Aizen who stretches out his hand to Starrk, asking him to be his ally.

The espada contains nine other hollows that are able to withstand Starrks spiritual pressure, finally giving Starrk a shot at friendship. He is one of four vastolords, along with Barragan, Harribel, and Ulquiorra, who's aspects of death are aging, sacrifice and emptiness. There seems to be a rift between the vasto lords and adjuchas who have more primal aspects atributed to their persons; despair, destruction, ecstacy, insanity, greed, and wrath. We see Nel's relationship with Nnoitra and Ulquiorra's with Grimmjow. in both of these we're shown the gap in power, the lack of regard and relatability a more human vasto lord shows to an adjuchas. Stark and Ulquirra have an added degree of seperation being naturally occuring Arrancars.

Jushiro and shunsui are among the only people that Starrk would have been able to see as an equal. Starrk as the espada representing lonliness in death, didn't need the soul-king killed; he did not need soul society destroyed and he especially did not need the captain of the 8th company dead. Starrk even tries to get the captain to pretend to fight till the battle is over, a scene reminiscent of Kyōraku asking Chad to stay for tea till the end of the Ryoka invasion in the Soul Society arc.

Starrk is so powerful, that in Hueco Mundo, no one could even approach him until Aizen, and even when he did, it must not have been lost on Starrk that he was but a tool for the Soul reaper. The only time in Karakura town where Starrk is touchable by anyone besides Kyōraku is when he's jumped by Love and Rose taking advantage of him mourning the death of Barragan.

Kyōraku approaches Starrk with a calmness he must've only seen before in Aizen. (and would most definetly not have seen in Kenpachi) I can't think of a scenario in which Starrk would have had to fight before this encounter. The captain and the espada continue to surprise each other with their speed, strength, and battle instincts. They are feeling each other out as one would a new dancing partner.

There is a reason that Lilynette is Starrk's counterpart. She is bratty, uncooperative and ignorantly unhindered by the gap in power between Ukitake and herself. Despite the indifference the captain shows to her attacks, and the ease with which he swats away her cero, she does not stop trying to reach him. She is the face of Starrks desparation and lack of opportunity for growth.

Starrk's ability to split his soul is how we get both lillenette and the wolves used to defeat Love and Rose. When Starrk wants to get serious he absorbs Lillinette back into himself.The wolves he sends out do not return to him. He himself cannot cure his own lonliness, forced to retreat into himself when push comes to shove, and self destructing when that is not enough.

Kyōraku's shikai forces his opponent to follow the rules of children's games. Who better to come up against him than the man who's lonely, unfulfilled inner child is shown to us. Bleach is full of characters who blur the line between battle and sport; Kenpachi, White, Ikkaku, Grimmjow etc. Starrk is less expressive than these guys but for the first time ever although for a criminally short time, he and lilynette are able to experience high stakes, forced to get creative, and most importantly, they Play.

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

pokepasta masterlist

masterlist of all pokemon creepypastas ive read so far, at someones request+for funsies.ranges from "everyone knows this one" to "deviantart user heaven" to "wiki recommended at 2 am"

(note ill be linking each pastas latest version if they have been rewritten, either by the creator or done with their permission.shouldnt be hard to hunt their original versions if you wanna see smth you remember from old days)

lost silver (fan game in link)

strangled red

glitchy red (r slur is used in a certain part)

buried alive (rom hack)

hypno's lullaby* (song cover)

easter egg:snow on mt silver (fan game) (fan game 2)

(creepy) black (rom hack)

lavender town syndrome (supposed original song)

ash's coma

satanic lavender town (rom hack) (alt ending rom)

HM slave

tommy boy

my shining star

forever mine (TW for suicide in this one)

explorers of death

bad egg manaphy

nasty plot

pokemon dead channel

pokemon dead channel 2

pokepark wii:pikachu's return

ashamed

.194

my guardian angel

pokemon:perfect

pokemon lovelost

flames of life

fallen leaf

jessica

event gone wrong

little red rabbit

disabled

braid

tarnished gold (short rom)

battery ditto

dark green

abandon lonliness (rom hack)

prevention of evolution

lonely pikachu

blue tears (rom hack (flashing cw))

bittersweet

i love you, doll!

hell bell

stained silver

ketsuban

false pokémon copies news report

*as far as i can tell the creepypasta is mostly the song, as looking it up shows multiple different stories based off of it+w the fnf mods name its now impossible to properly hunt a supposed original down as it takes over the results

bonus:

escape from lavender town:game maker game using assets of pokemon yellow based on the lavender town syndrome rumors, very short, heavy flashing warning, the sequence after the game is closed might induce nausea.

uhcakip.exe and it's prequel pokemon death version:screamer games with some flashing by the creator of IHATEYOU.exe, the much more known mario creepypasta game, they're no longer downloadable but have full gameplays up

pokemon monochrome ask blog:ask blog made by person responsible for a lot of the stories linked here! has full art n photos, huge recommend! (note:the chrono tag feature is usually broken on mobile tumblr, open it on desktop mode on a browser if it leads to an empty page)

purin's lullaby:archival wiki for an old DeviantArt ARG, the link will take you to the timeline page, i havent looked much myself but i believe enough links have survived the test of time you can understand it (not to be mistaken w FNF's purin, they just share the design)

this list will be updated as i read more, feel free to suggest any not here

[jhlvogue]

if I could rewrite eloise’s story since hers is absolute trash:

ok end of s3, penelope & colin happy & married, penelope truth about being LW comes out to the family and they work through all that ending with the family still accepting penelope. eloise & penelope talk things out and realize they are still meant to be friends however, eloise continues to feel this gnawing sense of lonliness and ‘can i trust you’. she gets closure from theo with finding him moving on with someone new or he travels or like dies off (idk). eloise is heartbroken and returns home to the lonliness and cries herself to sleep

s4: benedict finds his story with sophie. polin is doing newlywed stuff. mama bridgerton is getting her groove back w/ the ton. ELOISE FEELS SUPER ALONE. because of this she journeys outside the realm of high society once again (& more discretly) to find others alike (the radicals). she stumbles upon the writings of a feminist progressive radical who is writing under a pseudonym & inspires eloise to pick up writing. tells mama bridgerton she needs time alone to find her self (aka find her writing voice) and wants to go to the countryside (cloee to where phillip crane is) mama bridgerton says yes and eloise packs up and leaves. the rest of the family doesnt pay much mind but penelope still feeling guilty about the whole theloise situation and feeling as if her & eloise are not 100% cool takes notice especially as eloise dodges her questions. eloise spends time in the country falling in love w/ it and its people and stumbles across sir phillip geeking out on plants. to eloise knowledge, they create an acquaintancship while she is in the countryside but sir phillip starts developing feelings for her despite being in a loveless marriage. phillip is shy and reserved because he doesnt know if eloise is judging him for his interests or is genuinely interested in what he has to say. during their time in the country, eloise grows to love the speration from high society, indulges in radical readings, and writes. this is where she starts the whole penpal thingy. she dreads coming home for christmas but makes her way back to town to celebrate christams and benedicts marriage to sophie.

s5: eloise comes back and has the whole ‘bridgerton glow up’ she starts wearing more earth tone dresses and has her hair more free and flowing to resemble her time in the country. while the family is happy for her return and notice the changes, they continue to ignore her due to their own duties. penelope tries to reconnect w/ eloise and hear what happened in the country side but eloise still reserved doesn’t go into details and colin keeps pulling penelope away. eloise once again feels alone and reminisces of her time away, especially with sir phillip. then word of marina gets around and eloise is like “oh no, phillip!” so she wites him a letter and they continue to go back and forth with him sending her dried flowers and her sending book recs or poems (idk). phillip comes down into town to talk with the fetheringtons about marina and sees eloise. he has this longing look on him as he continues to watch her while in society. unfortunately, penelope takes wind of his longing stares and starts to speculate, but doesn’t bring it up. eloise and phillip reunite in the garden at a ball away from everyone and fall back into natural conversations with each other. he asks her to come up to his house to see the land & she jokes about it being a proposal and he doesnt correct her. eloise finally putting 1+1=2, blushes and says she will think about it. she thinks about it for a day and hauls her ass up to crane & his estate w/o telling anyone.

then the rest of the events of her book can take place but this time phillip crane is a shy & reserved father who has a hard time expressing his feelings but at least TRYS with the kids & witg eloise (think king george in the beginning). he would be like a HOT geeky nerd who stutters and goes off on tangents (this can balance out eloise personality). ALSO eloise while coming to terms with her love for phillip crane, also comes to term with her place in society as a high society woman & needs to have her little woman jo speech about women and how we are more than bedwarmers and have dreams and aspirations (do this for me plsss)

they get married, live in the countryside, she continues to write. the end.

[strelitzia-mystery1097]

Trauma Milkshake Recipe of a Cloud Strife

*Spoilers beware*

Add:

-1 childhood of lonliness

-1 horrific incident with a cliff the cemented the weak=useless mentality and self-worth issues

-A couple years in the military

-Failed to achieve dream of being 1st class SOLDIER

-Childhood hero goes freaking insane and burns down town and kills almost everyone, including his mum.

-Crazy former childhood hero attacking best friend and love interest

-Gets stabbed and throws former childhood hero into reactor

-4 years of being experimented on with horrific lab experiments with the cells of an alien that f#cks with your head.

-Mako coma for 1 year as best friend carries you around the world

-Best friend dies in front of you and passes on his sword

The end result= A 21 one year old guy with severely repressed trauma and memories and has a new flimsy identity that replaces the best friend's existance to hold the last stands of his sanity together as the alien mentioned earlier/the former childhood hero continues to f#ck with his mind. A.k.a Cloud Strife.

And that's not even going into what happens in ff7 and the aftermath depression in Advent Children.

[minecraftfan11onscratch]

Blue and Daisy's Ignis Fatuus/Dream counterparts in KOSATSU! (+ Blue's Pidgey) Respectively, their names are Azure and Gloriosa.

Some info about them under the cut! (mostly to be sure, TW for animal abandonment mention)

They, in a loose sense, take the roles of Kim/Berly and Vance/Van. Mostly in the sense of “duo of characters who are siblings, and arguably the closest to the Anger-driven character”. Azure also takes Boss’ role in Ignis Fatuus as the introductory enemy/boss.

The devil/angel motif on Azure and Gloriosa’s accessories is a metaphor for younger Steven’s overall view on them. Their hair is also tree colored and patterned as a reflection of their “Oak” surname.

Their lore is taken from Abandon Lonliness and Strangled Red, respectively (the former, however, with less grimness overall).

Blue picked Eevee, but later ditched him for Pidgey. He didn’t want to openly admit to everyone he didn’t find Eevee cool/strong-looking enough, so he dropped him in Pallet Town’s streets, close to Leaf’s family’s door, which unwittingly granted the little Pokémon a new home and trainer on the long run. The main six learning about that, plus him picking on Red and Alexis (especially the latter) and his bossy, overconfident attitude, made him quite the prickly thorn on their side.

Azure ramps up on the “bully” side of younger Blue, with the “first fight” happening he thought it’d be funny to rub off how he and Pidgey are “better” than Gold and Cyndaquil. He mellows out, but just enough to not be considered an threat-and-annoyance.

The older Blue grew. While not all-there mature, he regrets his past behavior and will not hesitate to help the ones he used to tease. He even joins Steven and Alexis with Pidgeotto to fight Red in Two Days Left. By One Day Left, after Red comes out of his house, the two mend their animosity, promising to be friends.

Daisy and Steven had a relationship that started shortly before the latter and his brother got their Pokémon. It stayed afloat and steady even with Steven being nigh-constantly out of Pallet adventuring with his group of friends, his brother and their Pokémon, until the Incident happened and Steven isolated himself. As much as she hated it, later into the timeskip she gave up on trying to reach out for him.

Both Gloriosa and Daisy can read the bond between trainer and Pokémon for whoever leads the party. Along with specifying which kind of "scenario callouts" the lead Pokémon can perform, Gloriosa has no shortage of positive things to say about each of the bonds. Daisy, though, is quick to notice Steven and Blastoise’s... awkward bond between each other, at least until through the days, the two grow closer.

Daisy doesn’t hate Steven for becoming a shut-in (from her knowledge of what happened to him, she understands why he’d do that), but she also can’t bring herself to feel the same way for him again. A new three-days sidequest would involve rekindling their bond again, with a bittersweet conclusion.

[jerseyoklahomo]

Lonliness

What causes me to feel lonely? I typically say that loneliness is a trigger for me to drink--not that I need a trigger to drink. I usually feel as if I need companionship eventually to feel comfortable in doing things. I believe that may be due to my need for validation that I did not receive from others growing up. I actually do like doing things alone. Eventually, I do long for the company of others doing these things with me. I tend to do things the way that I want to do them without asking for others to validate. My family and I were very different from each other, which usually made me feel like the loner in the group. I was always the one who liked more academically challenging things and intellectual and informational hobbies and experiences. It was normal for me to read encyclopedias and have a fascination with history, geography, statistics, architecture, math, and some science. No one in my family was very keen to this way of thinking, and most of the time did not engage in it because they really had no fascination in it or knowledge on many of the things that I tended to include myself in. I tried to get them involved, but they did let me know that they were not interested. They did not stifle my views or beliefs, but just did not engage. I think I always longed to have others around me who were interested in the things I am interested in, but have never been apologetic for my interest in the things in which I am interested. Additionally, I am normally open-minded to exploring new things, but do not put my time in effort into things once I have made a decision on my disinterest in them. This is where I can be closed-minded. There are many things that I do not wish to know about, and therefore find it totally impossible to try to understand. Most sports make no sense to me and I cannot follow them, and I have always gotten confused by them, for example. I believe much of this is due to my prejudice created by them because this was an area where I was "persecuted" for my lack of interested by my extended family. I remember it always being a point of conversation that "Dean does not play any sports" or "Dean doesn't like sports". It was a major and constant and ANNOYING question from most of the family.

When I feel lonely, I feel as if others don't understand me and it reminds me of growing up when I felt like I had no one around who really understood me and the things I liked. The one time I have felt understood with the way that I thought about things was in my relationship with Eric. We were able to discuss things that I liked more than I could with anyone else I have known. He was very overpowering in his delivery, which was somewhat intimidating, but I believe I allowed the abuse because I had found someone who actually seemed interested in the things I was interested in for the first time in my life. I think this need for acceptance overpowered any other emotional need. This overwhelming acceptance along with a sexual chemistry made this prolonged incorrect relationship. The codependency in this relationship developed quite quickly from both ends. I also did a very good job of making this relationship my most important relationship, and sometimes the only relationship that mattered. It caused many of my friendships and family relationships bend or even break.

I haven't been the best about nurturing the friendships that I've had. I think having so much time being the loner and recycled only child as a kid has made it easy for me to be detached from others. Even when I had closer relationships or bonds formed, I was usually removed from them due to growing up in the Air Force town and also growing up in a secluded area away from friends or neighbors. I put a lot of effort into friendships, but typically when they are in front of me. Most of the time, if someone is not around me or near me, I don't take much time to think about them.

Taking this step into sobriety and moving to New Jersey has helped me to reevaluate the relationships that I do have and have chosen to hold on to. I may have gone a bit overboard by washing myself of ALL relationships, but it has proven to be very relieving for me. It has also been interesting which relationships have gotten stronger after this process. I also am finding that I am able to make better decisions about who I do let into my life. I think I have confused quantity with quality so much in the past that I have confused being alone with loneliness. I sometimes have this view that being alone is a bad thing, but I am working on this. I am finding that doing things alone is actually very nice. I have been finding that I am not as dependent on needing a relationship or the need for one. I am also starting to make progress on remembering my hobbies and goals, and working toward them. I think I have spent so much of my time trying to entertain others and keep busy that I have not actually taken the time to pay attention to my needs and make them happen. This alone time is allowing me to actually pay attention to my needs and work on myself. The more I work on myself, the more I am actually finding that I don't need this quantity of "acquaintances" around me that I once felt the need to surround me.

I have also been finding that I am being more mindful of the people of whom I ask advice. I have used my more manipulative tendencies to ask the people I knew who would give me the answers I wanted to hear when I asked for advice. I have made it a point to reach out to those who have my best interest in mind. Sometimes what they have to say does align with what I already had in mind, but many times they also offer a perspective that I have either not thought of or that I have purposely avoided.

So, while I do believe loneliness can contribute to a feeling of not being accepted, I am working continually to not need that validation. I am finding that when I do things the way I want to do them throughout the day and do the things I want to do, I am fulfilled when I look back at my day.

[axesilly]

i cant afford therapy so im going to talk about my troubles on here because i dont know what else to do 👍 i dont know if this will reach anyone but it might make me feel better. sorry if its a bit lengthy, ive had these feelings for a while

for the sake of anonymity and my own safety i will not be mentioning any names of people, towns, or schools :]

so im in college, im an art major. im from a small town with nothing to do except go to a mall the next town over and im going to college in another small town 5 hours away from home. this small town also has jack shit to do unless you drive 45 minute to an hour away. im currently in my spring semester of my freshman year and i have gotten so absolutely mentally and physically drained since i got a fast food job. i got a job making pizzas at yknow one of those big chain corporations pizza places, and the store i work at has only been open a few months. its absolutely chaotic and no one knows how to do anything except a few select people. my boss, the general manager, also doesnt know how to do anything because its his first time doing something like this. one of the other managers also only works there because hes friends with the general manager and he is not the greatest person, as he tends to sexually harrass the staff including a friend i made there. now ive already put in my two weeks last saturday, but that doesnt take away from how drained this job has made me.

Since the spring semester started ive been constantly piled with work (one week i was scheduled 6 days in a row when i had a big project to work on, i had a breakdown at work to my general manager), writing assignments, and project after project. (not even kidding my drawing professor gives us a new project the same day we turn one in) in my senior year of high school i loved fine arts and i believed that i wanted to follow in my art teachers footsteps and pursue my love of art and make art for my career. and while i do still love fine arts and making art, i just cannot do this constantly. since just before my spring break i started not going to my classes as consistently and i swore to myself i would start going again after the break. well that break just made it worse it seems because everything has just gone more and more downhill. i have still been missing classes because some days its difficult to get out of bed and i do not have the motivation to go to class just to sit there and not be able to pay attention for an hour/hour and a half. im behind on a project for one of my classes because i havent gone since ive been back from spring break (two weeks). i have an exam for one of my classes soon and im not even close to prepared. i had a 3 page essay due last night i started but havent finished (luckily i can turn it in a little late). it may sound lazy but these are my real struggles with my mental health. i feel trapped here. i do have a license and a car, i do have transportation so i can go places, but its such an old car it has so many problems (one which has arisen recently being if i stop somewhere and turn my car off, it wont crank back up immediately and i have to wait 10-15 minutes, and once it is on i have to revv it to make sure it stays on). so because of car problems and currently living in a small town im frustrated because it feels like i cant go anywhere to do anything fun. i feel trapped in my dorm and in my mind.

now comes the college problem. the college i go to currently is a nice school, i get 8 meals a week on my meal plan included in my tuition. theres several places to choose from the eat at, theres a gym, free health exams i think. but its driving me insane seeing the same old brick buildings every damn day. i currently dont have a roommate so im in a dorm by myself which probably contributes to this feeling of lonliness. i dont really have many friends, i had more last semester but they did not keep in touch. i do have one friend that i appreciate very much and she always worries and wants to help when she sees im upset. shes a real one. but seeing the same things, learning about the same repetitive lessons every single day, has driven me insane. my art history class has been the same topics since the start of the semester, its all been about works of art pertaining to jesus, and mary, and god and the angel telling mary shes pregnant and marys purity and this symbolizing that and i understand why its important to learn about these works of art and how they have shaped art today, but i cannot stand hearing the same things over and over. im not a christian, and i dont believe theres anything wrong with christianity as long as youre not hurting anyone with your beliefs, but these topics are so repetitive ever class i have. the semesters almost over and we havent even gotten to modern art yet, and in my opinion thats what truly matters to learn about because thats what we as artists would need to look at to have a reference for how we should make our art right? art is about expressing yourself and we need to see how others making art in the modern era are expressing themselves as well. and on the topic of expressing ourselves, my drawing class, every single project, my professor has us stick to such strict criteria. one of my projects my professor actually really liked, i liked, but she took points off because i had my girlfriends name written very small where you could barely even see, because we were not supposed to have any text. i feel like i cannot even be creative and truly express myself with these projects. i dont feel like i have any real freedom with them. i love fine arts and i love making art, but not when its like this. i want to be able to make my own art that actually expresses my feelings, not someone elses criteria. because of all of this my grades have been rapidly dropping.

now i have already made the decision weeks ago that i will not be returning to this school in the next fall semester. i discussed this with my mom already as she does the majority of my paperwork and things for this stuff. she wants me to transfer to a college closer to home so i can atleast get a general studies degree. but thats not what i want to do either. she told me not to flunk my classes this semester because that will make it difficult to transfer me to another school, but how do you expect me to get good grades when i constantly feel like im in hell in my mind. i mentioned wanting to maybe take a gap year, she doesnt want me to do that. school is horrible for my mental health like this, i dont understand why society thinks we should just have everything we want to do with the rest of our life figured out immediately out of high school. well i dont. and i dont want to stay in college immediately out of high school. i want to go live my life! me and my girlfriend are long distance (we have met in person several times and shes actually coming to visit me this month, but just seeing each other for a week at a time is not enough) and i really want to go live with her! i want to enjoy living and living with the person i love more than life itself! i currently dont feel like i can do that here or back home. i want to move somewhere else with my girlfriend so we can both be happy and love life. i want to move out of state to a slightly bigger city, nothing crazy like new york or atlanta, but just somewhere bigger than a small town with nothing to do whatsoever. i do have a place in mind but im not going to say where. and when i move, after a year i can qualify for in state tuition and pursue something that makes me happier. ive always loved animals and marine animals so i was thinking i could major in zoology and marine biology and work at an aquarium or something while im working on my degree. and i dont fully know how the paperwork and things work for transferring and such, especially after a break, so i could be in the wrong, but is it really wrong for wanting the best for myself?

and to be honest with myself i know exactly why im in college and its not to get a degree. i was raised constantly being compared to my siblings. my brother is trans (which my parents are very obviously not too fond of) dropped out of college and joined the military. my sister dropped out of college after a semester, got married to a horrible man who she just recently divorced after having two children with him. and being compared to them all my life, especially to my brother, made me want to be better than them. i wanted to be the one, as the youngest, to be the first one to get through college immediately, all four years, no problem. but its just too much for me. and dropping out, moving away, im terrified. im terrified that my parents will be disappointed in me. im terrified of that face my mother makes, that tone of voice, when shes disappointed in me for something. im terrified of getting lectured and told why everything i want is wrong. its irrational. and im terified if i move away i wont have her support anymore. i wont have her to lean on when i need help with something. i was never taught where to go or how to do stuff for applying to colleges and transferring. i barely know how to do my taxes.

now i really dont know what this article-like rant of a tumblr post is gonna do. i know i dont really have a following and i dont really post on here. but i just thought itd make me feel better to collect my thoughts and put them all together like this. so far the only people concerned about me have been my girlfriend and a couple of my friends ive told about these problems. not even my professors are concerned about me, i havent even gotten a single email or question about how im doing. they say theyre all for mental health but when a student stops coming to class as often suddenly and starts failing or not turning in assignments its none of their business and i must just be getting lazy and im a horrible student yknow? anyways i think thats about it for this. again i dont really know what this will do but i hope someone has advice or support or something. im going insane here.

love to anyone else suffering similar struggles <3

[dream-this-nightmare-over]

Kit Harington imagine part 2

If you like this, or if you dont, check out my other stories on wattpad (you might find something you like)!!!

Rest of my imagines/one shots you can find in my wattpad book Imagines that is being filled continuously by new stories.

Enjoy!

Friend from seven seas away and seven summers ago visited to return my pin and remind me why our love will never die

He came one day in january or was it december

I dont know. I dont count my mistakes anymore

He came with cold bite northern clutch

He came to wish me merry christmas

But we both knew he was carrying velvet box that became part of his every pocket

He still looks for me in crowds and next to him when lonliness hits, he upturned entire garden and smashed all mirrors in home that is more sanctuary than paradise, but still he hasnt found origin nor end of his anger carved in plaster of fustration peeling layers funny how once it finds soil you can never get to the bottom of it despite being the host. You feed your insanity because it keeps you from losing it all together, madness is not product; its perpetuer that gave name to reaction of defying to succumb to ilogic in matrix, bear the name of enemy trick to outcast the unwanted in system more easily. Am i being too harsh? Who would love me with mindset that sees fire under snow, enemies in parents, friends in taken, home in forest, liberation in thunder, imagination as only religion that can deliver, rhymes as confessions of unspoken sacred poem why you cant see vials are not only way to bleed the person and leave a heart dry cooled off skeletonial construction a churred hull nothing can grow from no one to call it a home. I am exiled from my own heart. ( i listened to others too much and wrote not enough lock picks to get me out of prison my mind fortified around who i am. who are we? Slimy grey liquer they pick apart under microscope or etheral reflection of stars? I have to be more than this materalisation of doomed for failure)

He had big fireplace. We used to sit there on thick plush carpet pondering over meaning of it all. Him drinking, me watching his throat move with every gulp, high on sadness. Mind you, i didnt know david yet, nor his metaphorical perfection eclipsed my every romance thought. Kit was everything i wasnt, yet my stream of conscious always met his; i watched him with adoration that comes when you are exposed to art for the first time. I went to museums before, but I was never allowed this close. Sometimes we would be joined by other fallen fellows. And we would drink for all the lovers who will never return affection for pain of loving them in silence. No one ever cared for my heart enough to show me love can be burden divided. Meeting them, showed me happy endings live on screen and in pages that dont spill in reality that is same losing sanity game for most people. Only reason there wasnt shortage of bandages, was because we were all liars, inheriteted strategies, hiding the wound smilling while bleeding, sooner die than let someoe see. But he saw me.

My best friend alex was dead for some time when my first friend came to our northern town. It was seventeenth day of christmas, harbour cafe bars were adorned in fairy lights, carols were mixing with generic mandatory christmas pop songs down the street, cinamon and clover drifting from patiseries on corners, ships and gullys christms trees wraped at bottom with blanket of frozen sea that will keep them stuck here in this fairytale wilderness till spring awakens with yawn that will run cracks along sleeping hardened earth and everybody will throw away their coats elsewhere in the world but not here, here cold lives with us, in cracks on pavement and drinks served with mittens.

He wonders if thats all thats left of me, if i took it little to literelly, to settle in place and make it home, lose yourself so they like you or go where they are like you.

I never told him about alex. He heard i moved on replaced our love with new friends, and i still dont know if i broke his heart when he told me to move on and i didnt fight for him to stay, he told me to be happy to find another crowd and i let him go like he didnt teach me meaning of patient love.

He was wrong. I didnt become cold. It claimed me before we parted ways. But my past is now under frozen slates of harbour and i would do everything so spring never comes; my past is burried in grave in forest that still sings hymes to my crimes; my past is more me than i am me today. I am ruthless wind he leaves windows open when blowing, because he likes the sound of things shattering, it muffles the wails of his heart that lies in pieces; i am words my father is horrified to hear and in his ignorance that he graces me with calls them bullshit, while i pour my heart out of every truth because lies have pulled the rope too tight around my throat around my mind around my heart i am running in circles so i write write write get it all out hoping one day words will get me out of my head and into sunlight that wont hurt; i am my enemy and i hate both of them.

He was in jacket and his curls were wild and untamed. We met in the middle of the street, greeting with usual teasing like no time has passed at all. Even then i knew time didnt steer him right into my path by pure coincadance. I was mad, you see. My mind tortured by reality it didnt recognize as authority over its wandering nature that seized every moment to escape in carefully created daydream retreat that had its foundations planted on drive home from party where boy with curls another kid that didnt believe anymore in happy endings, got so wasted that he never again remembered how he changed my life with just one conversation.

He had his demons. And i was getting familiar with knowledge they come in various shapes, and that no one escapes their acquantace; he tried to drown them. I never fully understood depth of misery that can carve a home in every surface underneath skin, settle there and dig further into essence of your being, with every hit more desperate to get to the heart where child hides, until alex died and i was left with his and mine demons and they were one and the same; where kit was my tragic counterpart whose sadness and anger matched mine if not in level of poisoning yet, in lonliness we exiled ourselves when we realised we are becoming poison ourselves; alex was romantic notion life can get better if you surround yourself with people who are in sync with your heart, who know not to leave you alone when you withdraw.

Kit knew when i needed silence; but alex knew i needed life too.

He said i left my pin at his place all those years ago and that he thought i should have it back. Or he just needed excuse to see me. He could've gone further north and see polar lights if he needed to feel me.

"i am not going up there again. Besides, you arent spirit yet."

Yet, i bet i haunt his dreams neverthless.

I turn my attention to golden pin i started turning over in my hand, inspecting siides like its not memento i used to keep on a bedside cupboard for years, just so I don't have to meet his teddy bear gaze. I cant afford to go back there. Cheap prop replica from some book series popular while i was still in school. More than a fandom triffle.

Relic of hope.

He carries shadow in his pockets, i have then too many to tell when one leaves me. Is love I stomped out under northern lights, somewhere out there or still in us?

He closed my fingers over it with his and held them there then pulled me in bearhug. He still smells like home.

We walked around town, christmas market and tivoli lights, shoulders brushing, pin heavy in pocket of my coat, Christmas carols and cinnamon in air, I don't remember he ever came to visit me back in day when I was just designated driver and he was the cool kid who befriended me.

II.

"Can i stay with you?" I whisper.

"Always" cookies are brittle i can hear him chewing on bite. Box between us is almost empty. I can see blades of grass underneath plastic bottom.

"I-" I have no where else to go.

"I know."

Ofc he does.

Past remembers its scars.

Your pain recognizes mine

"I left all my words with you"

"I came to remind you that words arent expendable goods."

Now he is talking funny. Like we arent living in the same world. "Words arent goods. No one wants to trade with them anymore."

"You call yourself ruthless. Be imposer, make them obey new rules."

"Its too late for revolutions"

"Its never too late for new ideas"

"I dont want to wait till I am one step from grave to make my name; i want to enjoy my fame. I want to enjoy life, is that too much human asks for on only planet it can survive?"

"Maybe there is reason why no other bio system wants us"

"Do you think they are so inhospitable because we lived on all those places already and ruined them like we are doing to earth, but cant remember for some reason?"

He turns all the way on his side to look at me. We are laying in patch of meadow left behind alex's old house now empty but for couple of bird nests under roof and broken windows, shards of remaining glass like jaws standing on guard clinging on frame warning signs little too late.

yesterday there were six teeth in downstair frame now there are four, three on porch where there were five two nights ago, none left in doors. I count every change knowing damn well nothing will change. But birds built a nest, badger was on windowsill couple of days ago, and branches started to enter thtough upstairs bedroom window that used to be his sister's.

Will his family ever call again? Will they ever know it ruined me to lose him? Will i ever grow bigger than my pain, or kit's tangable grief for my tragedies i make myself go through just to feel something, for who i used to be and who i have become, grief i feel is treathning to spill but he keeps it to himself for my sake, because there is box in his pocket that i cursed, coffin will rot, diamonds are forever, i should have known before i created his burden; will his grief be echo i will never outrun, only partner in crime, whisper mocking my shadow even in darkest places, forever would take to dismantle the pity behind the mask and they would still bring it up in eulogy to kill me one last time; Is grief only kind of tree that will ever surrand me in any forest i run to; i want to pin him to ground catch him off guard hit him until i beat that pity out of his warm brownies and melted choclated chip eyes that were never supposed to be found by prophectic lies my demons spread around, they were never supposed to locate that corner of my mind, my sadness was never supposed to grow bigger than his, he was the one who was supposed to save me when tide got too rough pull me out bring me back with his breath in my lungs, not show up from nowhere one ordinary winter afternoon after no call for years, ghost of christmas except this is the season i love the most, and he came to take away my fairy lights too early, he showed up like some king of north in black tight jeans and black jacket and black curls glistening on icy sun that puts jewels in his eyes, to tell me he is cutting the tie, all wrapped in his sad puppy smirk a charm i ripped away ftom my bracelet and now he is paying me back for thinking i can just kill part of myself without holding a funeral and writing an eulogy worth a dime or two or seven, no one will understsnd i want to tell him no one was there but he thrusts my pin in my hand and choice of words takes me back when he made love to me in one of alternative endings i created by sheer power of will to banish his pieces scatter our sin so he can never again haunt me in all his glory, dreams devoid of his warmth, imposed detachment, and did i save my sanity? I found new faces to finish me, argubly they took up where he leff off, for he loved me too much to ruin me when there was still enough hope i could become something more; all the names that took his place at table, gave me fairytales and adventures he never belived in, respite i needed, my indulgment was my ruination for i lost the grip on anything real, to run away from sorrowful conversations, to dance at parties and be crowned as kings and queens of town of my dreams, but he put himself back together to remind me everything needs to be immortalised in reality if i wish to stay hidden in my mind.

"Your mind is gold pot. Exploit the depths and wonders of your mine. "

"i am trying. Is that why you came? To guilt trip me?"

Of course he lays claim on my royalties. He created me, my madness, this frantic writing that never meets ending, all the ideas and pieces of conversations burried in piles of notes that mount to nothing because my mind is wounded animal running from society on too many places in same time, standing in front of his doors walking away letting myself in after he leaves i lay on carpet he changed nothing room is cold memories are charred coal in fireplace i just want his skin on mine as close as it gets i dont want to be myself make me forget i am real.

"I dont know where you are going with this" crow flew over us, it didn't even screech and I wondered what we look like to her; two bodies sprawled in grass, admiring sky, two skeletons with beating heart and tummies full of cookies and gummy bears, two humans: too big of a bite or not worth the bother?

"You got rusted"

He never misses the beat. "You havent used me in a while"

"There were others"

"You need to stop. This convo has run its course"

"I cant. i promised myself i will finish this tonight"

"Who am i if i dont write?"

He echoes my thoughts then settles with arm under his head staring back at stars above that dont care if we make it or die in sleepy towns working dead end jobs just to get money that will never be enough to pay for a new life somewhere far away where dreams lead the way.

Sky got painted over and stars vanished from outline.

"I am scared kit."

"We all are, kid"

"You wanted to shag me. I am not kid"

"I wanted to marry you too"

"They are all kids, those boys i imagine to help myself fall asleep. They never know me"

"Do you know yourself?"

"Does anyone?"

"Pondering over existential questions is surely not going to clear the picture"

I lost my best friend, kit! I want to scream in his stupid smug face. I want to know why! Not everyrhing is about you having superiror insight to backstage of all the revelations just so you can call quits on all your emotions you dont want to face and call them all bs because you are just as immuture as me and you wish happy endings exist but you prefer to live in pain because you are afraid of change and everyone is loser to you if they care because you kit, you are afraid to love and let yourself feel smth unless you know you can win!

Hello, i am your mirror. Glad we got here finally.

Car ride candies left on seat liquor in veins neon road you kissed me dont you remember we caught a taste of happy ending for passing second devoured by time, am I selfish for calling you out or you are for coming back around just when I thought I was getting better?

"I am scared there will come a day when you wont come right away"

"Past never forgets"

"But humans do"

"I am not real, y/n"

"I am talking about myself"

"Your dreams are entangled with thought of me; i have showed you how it can be, you cant forget what makes your soul alive"

I play with pin in my hand, caress the outlines, ridges and edges, my fingers remember the pattern the hope the comfort

But i dont feel the spark

World is as it is

Empty without my friend

"Here you can have it", i hold the golden thing in air between us. I see top of trees through tarnished circlet, i see myself flying away carried by the winds that tell me of my friend's last words, i see releasing those in my head, i see saving everyone left, i see peace clearer than ever.

"It kept me safe, now is your turn"

Save me i think the world is slipping from underneath me

Why does everything new feels like end of world, tell me i can bring myself with me wherever i go tell me i dont have to leave myself behind tell me its one thing that never changes tell me i can carry myself along until i become the most free version of myself tell me my life is not over yet tell me i am not dead just because things change tell me its just a start tell me i will get out eventually tell me you will be there on both sides.

He takes my head between his palms like he always did, and places a kiss on my forehead, and as i am falling into him for the last time, i find it funny how body remembers what heart had to kill to stop thinking about, shooting all the stars from the sky to put what it wants the most on the furthest shelf away from itself, my beautiful love will my heart when it hears yours finally know answer to why when the path is right, it gets twisted and complicated why then monsters wake up and forest gets dark?

He holds me and we stay that way while world is crying out its last but we know too much by now to help and prolong its death; let it go to sleep, let us be at peace, with new dawn maybe some better world will be born. (in which i will be more than dissapointment)

He knows i cant hurt him, he knew it will take me this long to write it all down, he knows he can come back anytime, he knows my mind is too far gone for anyone to find me....so he lets me go at last.

When the first drop of rain hits his lips, he says "amen (go in peace)."

[d-erivatives]

I am here to remind myself that the highs never last--sometimes I come crashing down, and other times I just drift until I settle somewhere back at what my baseline life is...

adjusting to my ‘normal’ life is rough. i find myself asking is this really my life now?

did two months in costa rica spoil me for the rest of life? I thought maybe it would be just what the doctor ordered, to give me the rest and reprieve and adventure I needed to feel happy to go back to routine and stability for a little while

but now I’ve found I don’t want to be here. Sure, some things about this life are sweet, I’ve set up a pretty beautiful home life for myself, but maybe what I need is to find a new routine. I want to be more active and adventurous, but maintenance and life take up so much time. That’s a tough adjustment

I will be gentle with myself, accept that I cannot always feel so high and elated, and embrace these new, gentle lows of monotony, the new levels of lonliness

Some things I can do to support myself: 

be active, go dance outside to music, go for a walk around town

ceramics, make friends there, hang out downtown

give space to journal, take a bath, without my phone

[wohlbruecks]

.

[outmatch]

damn I used to complain about being alone in high school... looking back that was very goob moment

[queenoftheantz]

So I'm currently working on a pitch idea, and I thought I'd share some concepts I've been doing! It's all very WIP but have a sneak peek!

"In the dark small town night, a young man stumbles across a hot dog stand with a unique business model: They sell their late night fast food in exchange for people's souls!"

So I think I'm gonna try to make it a mini series, 8 episodes-ish, just 10-12 min each! A finished little story all in all, and basically each episode being a new customer!

I'm currently working on it in a filmmaking class, so it might change! But I want to pull a lot from nordic folklore, and talk about lonliness! With refs being Over The Garden Wall, Night Is Short Walk On Girl and Mushishi! We'll see where it goes!